Dear Republicans,

I know that you guys are in bad shape; I mean you guys are grasping at everything you possibly can to make Obama and Democrats look bad. And I get it, I really do: you hate the agenda liberals are pushing now that they are in power – but you guys really need to chill out and regroup. It is just becoming sad.

I want you to think back a year ago, and I want you to think about the term TOTUS. Did you know what that meant? Of course not, no one knew that it stood for Teleprompter of the United States. As big of a political dork as I am, I must admit that I had to look it up, and I gotta say guys, it is amazingly underwhelming. Wow, Obama reads from a teleprompter – that is your attack.

Or lets take the flip side, you want to call us the Democrat-Socialist party. I mean I don’t even know where to being on this one. O.K. a) socialism is an economic system while Democrats are a political ideology, b) it is not like us Democrats are giddy about this economic situation and want the economy to fail so that we can implement socialism, and c) you assume that socialism is a derogatory word to the youth vote you so desperately need to win back in order to win elections.

Oh, and did I mention the fact that the de facto leaders of your party are Rush Limbaugh and Fox News, not your chairman? You are letting these guys dictate the debate, (see points above as an example) and you are getting creamed. Now look, Keith Olberman and Rachel Maddow are very liberal and tow the party line well – but no liberal thinks that they are the “true voice” of the party. Clamp down on these talking heads as fast as you can. We all see the hypocrisy they spew.

To be fair, I understand why you are using these scare tactics – I mean they did work for a good decade. Liberals are coming for you guns, take away Americas belief in God, make you get married to another man before marrying your dog; oh and lets not forget that terrorists will kill you in your sleep if you don’t plaster your pickup truck with “these colors don’t run” and “God bless America” bumper stickers (you know, right above your truck-nuts). But it is not working any more.

When I was a kid, I used to sneak five dollars from my mom’s purse and go buy candy – and you know what? It worked for a while. But my mother got wise and the strategy started to fail rapidly. Once I recognized this, you know what I did? Not try that strategy anymore! I said I was sorry and would ask permission to have a kit-kat.

And I think that is really the point of this rant. Republicans, if you want to win you have to apologize for the past eight years and try to make amends – going after Obama has not really put a dent in his 65 percent approval rating. Remember when you guys used to be all about small government? Perhaps you should talk about that some more, I dunno, I am just thinking out loud. In order to win back people, you can’t just appeal to your doctor killing base (yes I went there) – you have to show that you are not all wing-nuts.

Long story short: get your act together, I don’t even want to argue with you guys, there is no sport in it – I just want to pat you on the head and give you a cookie.